It's 5:30 in the morning, and some asshole is on the beach in the dark.

Oh, wait. That's me.

I'm wearing my swimsuit under three layers of clothing. I'm hugging my towel, and praying that Tyrese doesn't show up.
As if, huh?
The only other people on the beach are a handful of old men who are sweeping the sand with metal detectors. Just as I'm about to give up and run back to my car, I see a figure running along the shore at full speed. From far away, I actually think it might be a horse and rider, only because of the speed. No human could possible move that fast, that early in the morning.
Of course, it's him.
As he gets closer to me, and easier to see, I notice that he is wearing some crazy jet pack looking contraption on his back. Tubing is connected from the pack to his mouth via a mouthpiece. He gets close, spits out the mouthpiece, and says "you're late". (when will he cease to be surprised at this?) I just look at him and say, "Does NASA know that you stole that jetpack?"
He slips the contraption off his back, and lays it on my towel. (which he literally ripped from my death grip) "it restricts the amount of oxygen you get, making your lungs stronger".
Wait.
"You put this thing on while you run on the sand at full speed, and it keeps you from breathing??!!"
Oh, hell no. I literally gulp air, thinking it was my last breath.
"Don't worry. You're not ready for that yet."
Le sigh.
"Warm up for 5 minutes, and then get in the water" he says as he walks away from me.
I look around the shore. It's still dark, and a little breezy. The water is dark, foamy and looks cold.
Too cold, I decide. I'm not an idiot though, and I start jogging in place and also include some half-assed jumping jacks. (there is no way that I am just going to stand there, waiting for Tyrese to tell me what to do.) I'm already huffing and puffing by the time he gets back. I start to complain about the cold hurting my shoulder, when he drops a large gym bag at my feet.
"Is there a midget in there? Will he swim for me?"
Tyrese ignores me and opens up the bag. He pulls out a large black neoprene wetsuit.
ACK!
Now, when I say large, I mean LARGE. I pick it up, and it's heavy. It has footsies, gloves and a turtleneck.
"put it on".
What? Where? Why? (I might as well throw in "How?" as well.)
He just looks at me with his stink eye. I start to walk to my car, but he stops me, and shakes his head slowly.
Great. I look around, and the old men are still hunting for their sand treasures, and now some fishermen have arrived too.
I sit down on the sand, and put my foot into the suit. (BTW, note that one should never ever sit on the sand and attempt to put on a wetsuit. Why? Because the neoprene attracts sand. I have sand everywhere. As I roll it on, it's exfoliating my entire body. Even my sensitive lady parts. OUCH!)
Have you ever tried to get a cat in a bathtub? Or feed a toddler ear medicine? Or wrestle an alligator? That's what I looked like. It was like a full body girdle.
I got most of it in place. (ever put on nylons, and the crotch is down by your shins? Yeah, that.)
It exaggerated every bump and lump that I had. (Side note-it made my boobies look AMAZING. Except, you know, black and made out of rubber.) The footsies are annoying, as they are split toe with the split being between Pointer and Tall man, unlike the natural split of sandals.)
I'm seriously out of breath by now. I think getting into this is more work than actually swimming.
He hands me a black skull cap.
I refuse, telling him that he's trying to make me look like a giant black dildo.
He lets me go without the cap.
He rips off his tracksuit, and dives into the water, wearing the smallest trunks I have ever seen, without being a banana hammock.

I walk to the shore line (the sand is rubbing my ass raw) and pray.

To be continued.......