So, I'm sure that I'm making this sound a lot easier than it was. Especially the diet. But, guess what?? It was torture. And.....I cheated.
All. The. Time. (I'm no superhero.)
I tried, tried, tried to stick to the diet, but it was just so bland that it was impossible. Really, who can live on chicken breasts, asparagus, apples, oatmeal, sweet potatoes and rice cakes? (other than Tyrese, of course.) That diet was just too strict. My body craved things. Sweet things. Sweet things with chocolate. Sweet things with chocolate and sprinkles.
I was also suppose to write down everything that I ate or drank. I did follow through on this for a while, but then I got bored. (seriously, how many times do I write: chicken, greens, asparagus?) So, I do the next best thing...I just photocopy the papers over and over. (In case Tyrese ever wants to see them, of course) I keep a little notebook with my false papers in my car.
One of the things that I couldn't resist was frozen yogurt. I'm not sure about you, but here in CA, its a reborn phenomenon. There is a new frozen yogurt shop in just about every shopping center. When one opened up near our office, we sent one of the assistant to go check it out. She came back with a little tub of pink goo. We all had a taste and were excited by it. It was absolutely yummy. The bubbleheaded assistant who retrieved the treasure, exclaimed "and it's only 25 calories!!"
SOLD!
We sent her back for more, every day. Every afternoon, we enjoyed our snack. And I secretly enjoyed it more because it was forbidden. I started to look forward to the afternoons, just so I can get my hit. I got hooked. I mean it, I was hooked.
One day, bubblehead called in sick. Oh no, WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO NOW?
It was on my mind, all day. I couldn't focus. My mouth was dry and my palms were sweaty. My heart was racing. I was going through detox. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I excused myself and ran to my car. I drove to the yogurt hut, and skipped inside. I ordered my usual berry yogurt. (no extras. See? I do have some self control.) As I'm standing in line, I notice a sign with the nutritional values of all the different flavors and inclusions. I see "Only 25 calories!" and smile. Then, I look closer, and see some small writing after that proclamation, "per ounce".
PER OUNCE!
I rush back to the office, trying to remember if t said fluid ounce or not. Either way, I needed to find out how many ounces were in this tiny tub of magic. The only thing I could think to do, is to weigh it on the postage scale.
The muther f'er weighed 16 oz.
So, according to my math, this tiny bit of goodness was adding an extra 400 calories a day. And never mind that it's also breaking the "no dairy" rule imposed by Tyrese.
I'm so screwed.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Monday, January 26, 2009
At Least My Pants Didn't Split
I get to the gym, and Tyrese is waiting for me.
Great.
I hurriedly skip by him and head into the locker room. When I'm done, he is still in the exact same location he was when I arrived. Leaning up against a machine, arms crossed and smiling.
I hate when he's smiling.
"It's a beautiful day outside. We're going outside"
I hate outside.
"But, but, but, we were just outside last week. Remember?" I whine and it makes me cringe, but I do it anyways.
"You can do with more sunshine, you look like you spend all your time in front of a computer."
There's something wrong with that? I roll my eye so far back into my head I'm afraid I'm going to lose a contact.
We walk outside into the blinding sunshine. (grrr....) Today is "legs" day, so this should be interesting. He starts stretching, and hopping around on his toes. I imitate him, so I'm hopping around too. (I feel and probably look like a tool.) He starts doing lunges. I stand there and stare.
We're standing in front of the gym. There are windows that go all across the front of the building. Plus, all the treadmills and bikes are pointed in our direction, to be able to see outside.
Great!
If he thinks I'm going to be doing this outside and be happy about it, he has another thing coming. He finishes lunging across the sidewalk, as far as he can go, before it turns into parking lot. I'm still standing there, grinding my teeth.
"Okay, go," he shouts at me from the parking lot.
I still stand there, with my arms crossed.
"GO!"
"Dammit," I mutter to myself, as I start to do lunges.
This is hard.
And it hurts.
And people are watching me.
I'm afraid that I'm going to fall, and my pants are going to split. (Yes, because that kind of stuff always happens to me.) I'm counting each lunge, because I think that it will be like every other exercises we have done, and will be in reps and sets. It takes me 23 lunges to get across to where he is. I get there, and I feel like I have to pee. I hop around, trying to get my mind off my bladder.
"Good! Now go back."
What?
I start to go back across, and halfway through, I start to tip over. I manage to get my balance, but startles me for a second. (I think I pee a little). I make it back to the beginning, and start hopping around like Rocky. (because....I mistakenly think that I'm done.)
"Okay, do four more round trips, and call me," and then he goes back inside to the air conditioned gym.
Now, as you can guess, the first thing I did was try to figure out my escape. I glanced over, and saw Tyrese staring at me from inside the gym. I calculate that by the time I made a run for my car, Tyrese would beat me to my car. (I imagine that he can run faster than I can, right?) So, I take a deep breath, close my eyes, and start lunging. (did I just make up a word??) I start doing the math. I can do double the amount of lunges, if my steps aren't as wide. But the narrower steps give me more balance, and seem easier. Or, I can do the wide lunges that I was doing earlier, with hardly any balance, and more strain, but I can cover more ground thus I do fewer.
The eternal conundrum.
I do one round of wide lunges, and my legs start to burn. I do the next round of lunges with the shorter stride, and notice that my core starts to burn. ( I pee a little more.)
I'm freaking screwed.
I glanced over, and see Tyrese watching me. I think he's drinking a smoothie too. (I'm not sure which of these two makes me more pissed.) He's just watching me. I curse at him. Then, I curse at myself some more. I can't believe I pay someone to do this to me, three times a week.
Later, I find out that he puts me outside whenever he can, because I "distract" everyone. I like to think of it as "entertain".
Right?
Great.
I hurriedly skip by him and head into the locker room. When I'm done, he is still in the exact same location he was when I arrived. Leaning up against a machine, arms crossed and smiling.
I hate when he's smiling.
"It's a beautiful day outside. We're going outside"
I hate outside.
"But, but, but, we were just outside last week. Remember?" I whine and it makes me cringe, but I do it anyways.
"You can do with more sunshine, you look like you spend all your time in front of a computer."
There's something wrong with that? I roll my eye so far back into my head I'm afraid I'm going to lose a contact.
We walk outside into the blinding sunshine. (grrr....) Today is "legs" day, so this should be interesting. He starts stretching, and hopping around on his toes. I imitate him, so I'm hopping around too. (I feel and probably look like a tool.) He starts doing lunges. I stand there and stare.
We're standing in front of the gym. There are windows that go all across the front of the building. Plus, all the treadmills and bikes are pointed in our direction, to be able to see outside.
Great!
If he thinks I'm going to be doing this outside and be happy about it, he has another thing coming. He finishes lunging across the sidewalk, as far as he can go, before it turns into parking lot. I'm still standing there, grinding my teeth.
"Okay, go," he shouts at me from the parking lot.
I still stand there, with my arms crossed.
"GO!"
"Dammit," I mutter to myself, as I start to do lunges.
This is hard.
And it hurts.
And people are watching me.
I'm afraid that I'm going to fall, and my pants are going to split. (Yes, because that kind of stuff always happens to me.) I'm counting each lunge, because I think that it will be like every other exercises we have done, and will be in reps and sets. It takes me 23 lunges to get across to where he is. I get there, and I feel like I have to pee. I hop around, trying to get my mind off my bladder.
"Good! Now go back."
What?
I start to go back across, and halfway through, I start to tip over. I manage to get my balance, but startles me for a second. (I think I pee a little). I make it back to the beginning, and start hopping around like Rocky. (because....I mistakenly think that I'm done.)
"Okay, do four more round trips, and call me," and then he goes back inside to the air conditioned gym.
Now, as you can guess, the first thing I did was try to figure out my escape. I glanced over, and saw Tyrese staring at me from inside the gym. I calculate that by the time I made a run for my car, Tyrese would beat me to my car. (I imagine that he can run faster than I can, right?) So, I take a deep breath, close my eyes, and start lunging. (did I just make up a word??) I start doing the math. I can do double the amount of lunges, if my steps aren't as wide. But the narrower steps give me more balance, and seem easier. Or, I can do the wide lunges that I was doing earlier, with hardly any balance, and more strain, but I can cover more ground thus I do fewer.
The eternal conundrum.
I do one round of wide lunges, and my legs start to burn. I do the next round of lunges with the shorter stride, and notice that my core starts to burn. ( I pee a little more.)
I'm freaking screwed.
I glanced over, and see Tyrese watching me. I think he's drinking a smoothie too. (I'm not sure which of these two makes me more pissed.) He's just watching me. I curse at him. Then, I curse at myself some more. I can't believe I pay someone to do this to me, three times a week.
Later, I find out that he puts me outside whenever he can, because I "distract" everyone. I like to think of it as "entertain".
Right?
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Random Fat Embarrasing Moment #666
I'm not sure if I mentioned this before, but Mr. Hummingbird and I went to high school together. Same graduating class and everything. Only, we never spoke the entire four years there. I didn't "meet" him until after we both finished college. (funny, huh?) I was too involved in the drama of high school life, and he was a late bloomer who immersed himself in school work. (Okay, you can say it. You're thinking it. Just say it. He was a nerd. What can I say? I love nerdy boys.) We really don't keep in touch with anyone from high school, except for one friend, Brian. (We'll call him Brain, since he was nerdy too.) Anyways, Brain also has the metabolism of a hummingbird. In fact, Brain met Mr. Hummingbird on the cross country team.
One day, we were visiting, and someone mentioned that our 15 year class reunion was coming up. Mr. Hummingbird was happy about this, and was looking forward to it. (Think about it. If he was all nerdy in high school, and he's a hunk-a hunk-a man now, why wouldn't he want to go?? Plus, he married the pretty cheerleader.) Brain said that he wasn't sure if he was interested in going. I agreed with him, saying that we were all past high school now, so why cling to the past? Brain then says, "Well, maybe we should go. I mean, look at us, we all still look pretty good. We're probably be the best looking bunch there."
*silence*
*awkward silence*
My eyes darted across the room, looking at each of them, but not making eye contact with them. We were all thinking the same thing. But, no one would say it out loud. Instead, it just hung in the room.....all sweaty and disgusting.
We were all thinking that they looked pretty good, but I had let myself go.
Let myself go in a big way.
A big freaking, 100's of lbs way.
I heard Mr. Hummingbird gulp and say, "yeah, we do look pretty good." But he said it weakly. And embarrassingly.
I hung around for a few minutes, just so they wouldn't think that my feeling were hurt.
But you know they were.
One day, we were visiting, and someone mentioned that our 15 year class reunion was coming up. Mr. Hummingbird was happy about this, and was looking forward to it. (Think about it. If he was all nerdy in high school, and he's a hunk-a hunk-a man now, why wouldn't he want to go?? Plus, he married the pretty cheerleader.) Brain said that he wasn't sure if he was interested in going. I agreed with him, saying that we were all past high school now, so why cling to the past? Brain then says, "Well, maybe we should go. I mean, look at us, we all still look pretty good. We're probably be the best looking bunch there."
*silence*
*awkward silence*
My eyes darted across the room, looking at each of them, but not making eye contact with them. We were all thinking the same thing. But, no one would say it out loud. Instead, it just hung in the room.....all sweaty and disgusting.
We were all thinking that they looked pretty good, but I had let myself go.
Let myself go in a big way.
A big freaking, 100's of lbs way.
I heard Mr. Hummingbird gulp and say, "yeah, we do look pretty good." But he said it weakly. And embarrassingly.
I hung around for a few minutes, just so they wouldn't think that my feeling were hurt.
But you know they were.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Tyrese is Trying to Kill Me
Call 911.
I really think that he is trying to kill me.
Really.
I get to the gym, and he tells me not to warm up on the elliptical machine today. (This statement immediately makes my butt cheeks clench.) He tells me that today......we will be running.
Outside.
(And no one will be chasing me with a chain saw??)
Tyrese is really asking a lot today. Worst off, I quickly realize that there is no way for me to cheat. And cheating, is what gets me through the workout. I normally shave off 2-3 reps from each set. (A rep is the number of times you do a certain movement. A set is how many groups of reps you just did. Like: 15 curls on each arm, both arms, three times. It would be 15 reps, 3 sets. You actually move your arm 90 times. They make it confusing like this on purpose, so you don't scream out, "You want me to do this 90 times!!! Are you crazy??!!" They can be very tricky.) So, I try my next tactic, and that is to stall. Like, I'm going to be able to stall for an hour. Right. I take my time putting my shoes on. I complain out loud, to no one in particular, that I'm not wearing proper running socks. I mention my tendency to blister, but it falls on deaf ears. I tell him that my underwear is chafing me, but he doesn't even snicker.
I finally move outside, and noticed that I've only manage to kill three minutes.
He is already outside, hopping around on his toes.
I just stand there.
He tells me to start moving, in order to warm up. I ask him if I should hop around like a fool too. He ignores me, again.
I still stand there.
He looks right at me, and says, "If you don't start moving, I'm going to get my bull horn."
The thought of him chasing after my running ass with a bullhorn is too much for me to handle, so I start hoping around like an idiot. I'm really getting into it, so I start swinging my hands around like I'm shadow boxing. (I imagine that I look like Rocky, I'm sure that I look more like one of The Stooges) Tyrese watches me for a moment, then tells me to knock it off. He points to the next stoplight (about 100 yards away) and tells me that he will run along side of me to that point. I sigh, and I start to jog.
Okay, I haven't jogged in a long time. (Like, the last time I ran anywhere is when I was chasing a balloon.) I felt awkward. Really awkward. I felt like my whole body shook with each step. I felt out of breath. I felt a pain in my side. And I was super-duper sweaty.
DO. NOT. LIKE.
He points to the next light signal, and tells me to meet him there. I make it to the point, and notice that Tyrese isn't even breathing hard. For whatever reason, this make me self conscious, so I do the logical thing. I start holding my breath. Which of course, makes me lightheaded and pukey. He points again, and again. I run along side of him, holding my breath and trying not to swing my elbows too much.
I was sweaty, out of breath, and drooling. My nose started running. And I had to puke. Plus, now my underwear was starting to chafe. I was completely miserable.
Meanwhile Tyrese is simply jogging along.
Finally, we are getting close to the gym. I see a lot of gym people outside, and I manage a small wave as we breeze by. (Inside, I was dying) I'm happy to be done, and couldn't wait to get inside. Tyrese tells me that I did a good job today, and I should be proud of myself. (All I heard was......"That'll do, pig. That'll do.")
I go into the locker room, and catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror.
I have a stream of dried snot going across my cheek. And some dried drool in the corners of my mouth.
Figures.
I really think that he is trying to kill me.
Really.
I get to the gym, and he tells me not to warm up on the elliptical machine today. (This statement immediately makes my butt cheeks clench.) He tells me that today......we will be running.
Outside.
(And no one will be chasing me with a chain saw??)
Tyrese is really asking a lot today. Worst off, I quickly realize that there is no way for me to cheat. And cheating, is what gets me through the workout. I normally shave off 2-3 reps from each set. (A rep is the number of times you do a certain movement. A set is how many groups of reps you just did. Like: 15 curls on each arm, both arms, three times. It would be 15 reps, 3 sets. You actually move your arm 90 times. They make it confusing like this on purpose, so you don't scream out, "You want me to do this 90 times!!! Are you crazy??!!" They can be very tricky.) So, I try my next tactic, and that is to stall. Like, I'm going to be able to stall for an hour. Right. I take my time putting my shoes on. I complain out loud, to no one in particular, that I'm not wearing proper running socks. I mention my tendency to blister, but it falls on deaf ears. I tell him that my underwear is chafing me, but he doesn't even snicker.
I finally move outside, and noticed that I've only manage to kill three minutes.
He is already outside, hopping around on his toes.
I just stand there.
He tells me to start moving, in order to warm up. I ask him if I should hop around like a fool too. He ignores me, again.
I still stand there.
He looks right at me, and says, "If you don't start moving, I'm going to get my bull horn."
The thought of him chasing after my running ass with a bullhorn is too much for me to handle, so I start hoping around like an idiot. I'm really getting into it, so I start swinging my hands around like I'm shadow boxing. (I imagine that I look like Rocky, I'm sure that I look more like one of The Stooges) Tyrese watches me for a moment, then tells me to knock it off. He points to the next stoplight (about 100 yards away) and tells me that he will run along side of me to that point. I sigh, and I start to jog.
Okay, I haven't jogged in a long time. (Like, the last time I ran anywhere is when I was chasing a balloon.) I felt awkward. Really awkward. I felt like my whole body shook with each step. I felt out of breath. I felt a pain in my side. And I was super-duper sweaty.
DO. NOT. LIKE.
He points to the next light signal, and tells me to meet him there. I make it to the point, and notice that Tyrese isn't even breathing hard. For whatever reason, this make me self conscious, so I do the logical thing. I start holding my breath. Which of course, makes me lightheaded and pukey. He points again, and again. I run along side of him, holding my breath and trying not to swing my elbows too much.
I was sweaty, out of breath, and drooling. My nose started running. And I had to puke. Plus, now my underwear was starting to chafe. I was completely miserable.
Meanwhile Tyrese is simply jogging along.
Finally, we are getting close to the gym. I see a lot of gym people outside, and I manage a small wave as we breeze by. (Inside, I was dying) I'm happy to be done, and couldn't wait to get inside. Tyrese tells me that I did a good job today, and I should be proud of myself. (All I heard was......"That'll do, pig. That'll do.")
I go into the locker room, and catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror.
I have a stream of dried snot going across my cheek. And some dried drool in the corners of my mouth.
Figures.
Monday, January 19, 2009
The Duck Story
Since I wanted to post before I left, and didn't. And now I'm stuck dealing with the aftermath of Fridge Death '09, I'm going to share the duck story with you. It has nothing to do with dieting, but it'll (hopefully) give you a chuckle and make my resolutions make more sense.
I took my oldest daughter to Disneyland. She was young, so I took the stroller with me. While Mickey is practically my neighbor, I do not believe in getting the annual pass, so we only go once a year. I arrived at the park, and was trying to work out a game plan in my head, trying to figure out the strategy for the day. As I walked up Main Street, a crowd was starting to gather along the curb. I noticed on the map, that a parade was scheduled to start within the next 15 minutes. This made navigating through the crowd much more difficult. But.....it gave me a brilliant idea. If everyone will be sitting on the curbs watching the parade, that means that in theory, they will not be standing in line for the rides.
Right?
So, I'm slowly making my way up to the castle. In my mind, I'm trying to decide which ride is the most popular ride, and hope that the parade will ease the wait for that ride. I'm huffing and puffing, making my way through the crowd. I get to the castle, and decide that I can't make it much further, that my only option is to cut across the front of the castle and go into Frontierland. I start to make my move, and I'm walking along side the castle's moat. I'm pushing the stroller, and trying to make some good time here. As I walk by the moat, a mallard duck lands on my head.
A DUCK LANDS ON MY HEAD.
I let go of the stroller, and start waving my hands around my head, like my head was on fire. The duck casually flies off my head, and lands into the water in the moat. (Looking back now, I can see that this was probably it's intended target, but he got sidetracked by my enormous head.) I quickly fluff down my hair. And check for duck poop. (did you know birds had no sphincters? I did, once I got home and googled all the duck diseases.) I finally calm down, and realized that my daughter did not notice what just happened. I think to myself, "GREAT, maybe no one else did too." And I slowly turn my head back to see behind me.
Only to see 2,000 parade people watching me.
I turn red, and slowly turn my head back and start pushing the stroller.
"No one knows me, no one knows me, no one knows me" I chant inside my head.
As I walk across the foot bridge that leads into Frontierland (AKA freedom) a guy walks up in the opposite direction. He looks right at me and says:
"Nice hat"
Bastard! I wanted to die of embarrassment. Later, when I told Mr. Hummingbird the story, he snorted. Then he said, "why does this stuff always happen to you?"
I really couldn't tell you.
I took my oldest daughter to Disneyland. She was young, so I took the stroller with me. While Mickey is practically my neighbor, I do not believe in getting the annual pass, so we only go once a year. I arrived at the park, and was trying to work out a game plan in my head, trying to figure out the strategy for the day. As I walked up Main Street, a crowd was starting to gather along the curb. I noticed on the map, that a parade was scheduled to start within the next 15 minutes. This made navigating through the crowd much more difficult. But.....it gave me a brilliant idea. If everyone will be sitting on the curbs watching the parade, that means that in theory, they will not be standing in line for the rides.
Right?
So, I'm slowly making my way up to the castle. In my mind, I'm trying to decide which ride is the most popular ride, and hope that the parade will ease the wait for that ride. I'm huffing and puffing, making my way through the crowd. I get to the castle, and decide that I can't make it much further, that my only option is to cut across the front of the castle and go into Frontierland. I start to make my move, and I'm walking along side the castle's moat. I'm pushing the stroller, and trying to make some good time here. As I walk by the moat, a mallard duck lands on my head.
A DUCK LANDS ON MY HEAD.
I let go of the stroller, and start waving my hands around my head, like my head was on fire. The duck casually flies off my head, and lands into the water in the moat. (Looking back now, I can see that this was probably it's intended target, but he got sidetracked by my enormous head.) I quickly fluff down my hair. And check for duck poop. (did you know birds had no sphincters? I did, once I got home and googled all the duck diseases.) I finally calm down, and realized that my daughter did not notice what just happened. I think to myself, "GREAT, maybe no one else did too." And I slowly turn my head back to see behind me.
Only to see 2,000 parade people watching me.
I turn red, and slowly turn my head back and start pushing the stroller.
"No one knows me, no one knows me, no one knows me" I chant inside my head.
As I walk across the foot bridge that leads into Frontierland (AKA freedom) a guy walks up in the opposite direction. He looks right at me and says:
"Nice hat"
Bastard! I wanted to die of embarrassment. Later, when I told Mr. Hummingbird the story, he snorted. Then he said, "why does this stuff always happen to you?"
I really couldn't tell you.
Passwords
I actually forgot my passwords, for all my favorite sites, since I was gone a whole four days.
Then, I remembered that all my passwords have to do with food.
That's how much food rules my life.
Sad, sad, sad.
But on the bright side......at least I can spell Tapenade.
Then, I remembered that all my passwords have to do with food.
That's how much food rules my life.
Sad, sad, sad.
But on the bright side......at least I can spell Tapenade.
Coming Home!
Vacation-good
Coming home-bad
The fridge died while we were gone.
DIED.
Four whole days for all my food to rot and mold. Plus, since I do live in S. Ca, I understand the weather was up to 81 degrees while we were gone.
Take that all in for a minute.
My house smells like death came in, took a crap on an expensive piece of salmon, and left it in the hot sun. I had to throw away everything. (everything!) I even threw out the Worcestershire sauce, just to be safe. Some of the Tupperware containers looked so vile, we tossed them out too. (and once you meet me IRL, you'll know that we're a pretty green family, so that really, really hurt. It hurt more than losing all the super expensive organic food.<---Did I mention that I was cheap too?) How can so much fungus grow in such a short time??
I'm trying to remember all the positives right now. But, to be honest with you, I just want my house to not smell like a feral cat.
Coming home-bad
The fridge died while we were gone.
DIED.
Four whole days for all my food to rot and mold. Plus, since I do live in S. Ca, I understand the weather was up to 81 degrees while we were gone.
Take that all in for a minute.
My house smells like death came in, took a crap on an expensive piece of salmon, and left it in the hot sun. I had to throw away everything. (everything!) I even threw out the Worcestershire sauce, just to be safe. Some of the Tupperware containers looked so vile, we tossed them out too. (and once you meet me IRL, you'll know that we're a pretty green family, so that really, really hurt. It hurt more than losing all the super expensive organic food.<---Did I mention that I was cheap too?) How can so much fungus grow in such a short time??
I'm trying to remember all the positives right now. But, to be honest with you, I just want my house to not smell like a feral cat.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Verizon
Verizon, I'm watching you.
The DSL is working now. (after 16 phone calls, two tech visits, one idiot crawling around her desk checking each connection, and one head trauma from the checking under the desk.)
But, someone is going to have to hold me back if it goes down again.
This is your only warning.
The DSL is working now. (after 16 phone calls, two tech visits, one idiot crawling around her desk checking each connection, and one head trauma from the checking under the desk.)
But, someone is going to have to hold me back if it goes down again.
This is your only warning.
TIMBER!
I start to do something bad.
Really bad.
(I do it every time I'm on a diet. And I can't stop. And it sooo bad for me.)
I start skipping meals.
I'm not sure what happens, but it always does. I'm not sure if I get bored or if subconsciously I truly believe that I will lose weight faster if I skip meals. But we all know what happens when you start skipping meals.
Your body starts to think that you're starving.
So, your weight loss stops. So, your eating less, but not losing weight.
VERY, VERY FRUSTRATING.
Not only that, but you start to feel really crappy too. Snappy, cranky, and just hungry.
Tyrese noticed right away. He marked down my weekly weight loss of zero lbs. He shakes his head, and asks me if I cheated.
"No."
He ignores my tone, and asks me if I'm OTR.
"NO!" shocked that he would even ask me that. (plus, I'm really cranky.)
"Are you following your diet?"
"um.......yeah."
Right then, the weirdest thing happened. I saw stars. Like, big sparkly stars floating all over my head. Just like in the cartoons. I start following the magical sparkly stars with my eyes.
Tyrese catches me as I started to sway. I never lost consciousness. I just felt "off". Tyrese has me sit down, and checks me over. I'm okay now, just cranky and a little lightheaded. He makes me a protein shakes, and suddenly I'm starving. He sits down with me as I drink my "chocolate" shake. He talks to me about the diet. He explains to me that I'm making great progress, but I don't need to push myself so much. (since I was cranky....I might have rolled my eyes at this. I might feel bad about it now. ) He tells me that it's his job to push me. And his job to take the blame when things don't go right. He tells me that he releases me from this responsibility. He wants me to take the rest of the week off, to do something fun and not worry about the gym.
I don't say anything because I seriously am waiting for him to say "Gotcha! Give me 20 push ups for being so gullible." Instead, he just stares at me, staring at him.
He tells me that guilt and anxiety do not belong at the gym. He starts clapping his hands together, (like in the slow clap that they do in movies.....) and tells me that this is to "clear the air".
Again, I start to think that he's pulling my leg.
He walks me to the locker room, and tells me to have fun, and that he will see me next week.
Later, he calls me and adds a rice cake to my diet. I'm allowed to add a small amount of jelly or baby food on it. This is now my "dessert".
Really bad.
(I do it every time I'm on a diet. And I can't stop. And it sooo bad for me.)
I start skipping meals.
I'm not sure what happens, but it always does. I'm not sure if I get bored or if subconsciously I truly believe that I will lose weight faster if I skip meals. But we all know what happens when you start skipping meals.
Your body starts to think that you're starving.
So, your weight loss stops. So, your eating less, but not losing weight.
VERY, VERY FRUSTRATING.
Not only that, but you start to feel really crappy too. Snappy, cranky, and just hungry.
Tyrese noticed right away. He marked down my weekly weight loss of zero lbs. He shakes his head, and asks me if I cheated.
"No."
He ignores my tone, and asks me if I'm OTR.
"NO!" shocked that he would even ask me that. (plus, I'm really cranky.)
"Are you following your diet?"
"um.......yeah."
Right then, the weirdest thing happened. I saw stars. Like, big sparkly stars floating all over my head. Just like in the cartoons. I start following the magical sparkly stars with my eyes.
Tyrese catches me as I started to sway. I never lost consciousness. I just felt "off". Tyrese has me sit down, and checks me over. I'm okay now, just cranky and a little lightheaded. He makes me a protein shakes, and suddenly I'm starving. He sits down with me as I drink my "chocolate" shake. He talks to me about the diet. He explains to me that I'm making great progress, but I don't need to push myself so much. (since I was cranky....I might have rolled my eyes at this. I might feel bad about it now. ) He tells me that it's his job to push me. And his job to take the blame when things don't go right. He tells me that he releases me from this responsibility. He wants me to take the rest of the week off, to do something fun and not worry about the gym.
I don't say anything because I seriously am waiting for him to say "Gotcha! Give me 20 push ups for being so gullible." Instead, he just stares at me, staring at him.
He tells me that guilt and anxiety do not belong at the gym. He starts clapping his hands together, (like in the slow clap that they do in movies.....) and tells me that this is to "clear the air".
Again, I start to think that he's pulling my leg.
He walks me to the locker room, and tells me to have fun, and that he will see me next week.
Later, he calls me and adds a rice cake to my diet. I'm allowed to add a small amount of jelly or baby food on it. This is now my "dessert".
Watch Out Puppies
I saw Tyrese's girlfriend. (Of course he has a girlfriend. He looks like a god.) Not only did I see her, but I saw her in the locker room.
How can anyone look so perfect?
I stole looks at her. (Hoping that I wouldn't get caught.) Her hair was perfect. Her skin glowed. Her eyes sparkled. Her teeth were pearl-y. And her stomach was taunt.
I sat there, studying her. Each of her traits were nice, but not exceptional. What was it about her that made the heavens part and the angels sing?
*shugging shoulders*
I would stomp on puppies to look like her.
Crying puppies.
How can anyone look so perfect?
I stole looks at her. (Hoping that I wouldn't get caught.) Her hair was perfect. Her skin glowed. Her eyes sparkled. Her teeth were pearl-y. And her stomach was taunt.
I sat there, studying her. Each of her traits were nice, but not exceptional. What was it about her that made the heavens part and the angels sing?
I would stomp on puppies to look like her.
Crying puppies.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Goodbye..........Suckers!
On our last day, they let us drink a yummy tofu broth. (No, really....it was yummy. No kidding.) All I kept thinking to myself was, "Why didn't they give us this the first day??"
*Bitches.*
We hung around the pool, sipping our broth, and getting some sun. As weird as it sounds, we were kinda sad to be leaving. Yeah, we were looking forward to driving away, and finding the first greasy burger joint that we could find. But, while at the compound, we were among people who understood us. Or understood the obsession of trying to lose weight. We were among "our people".
My kind of people.
*Bitches.*
We hung around the pool, sipping our broth, and getting some sun. As weird as it sounds, we were kinda sad to be leaving. Yeah, we were looking forward to driving away, and finding the first greasy burger joint that we could find. But, while at the compound, we were among people who understood us. Or understood the obsession of trying to lose weight. We were among "our people".
- People who wondered how many calories are burned when you walk to your car in a crowded parking lot.
- People who researched how many calories are in the glue of a postage stamp. (1/10th calories)
- People who are masters of camouflage dressing.
- People who have tried to track down tape worms.
- People who have eaten a whole pizza pie by themselves.
My kind of people.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Flashback to Failed Diets-The Chopstick Diet
One time, I was desperate to lose weight. So, I invented the chopstick diet. The only rule for this fantastic diet was that you were allowed to eat anything at all (ANYTHING) as long as you can pick it up with a pair of chopsticks.
Easy Peezy, right?
Surprisingly enough, I learned to pick up a slice of pepperoni pizza using chopsticks.
Days on the diet: 2
Lbs lost: zero
Easy Peezy, right?
Surprisingly enough, I learned to pick up a slice of pepperoni pizza using chopsticks.
Days on the diet: 2
Lbs lost: zero
Paybacks
Did you hear that? That scream?
That would be Ethel.
When she was in the shower, I called the spa and changed her leg wax appointment to a Brazilian wax.
Paybacks.
*Shooop!* <------that's the sound of me going straight to hell.
That would be Ethel.
When she was in the shower, I called the spa and changed her leg wax appointment to a Brazilian wax.
Paybacks.
*Shooop!* <------that's the sound of me going straight to hell.
Part Two- Bad Boys, Bad Boys, Watcha Gonna Do When They Come For You?
So, I'm on a high. I feel like I'm floating. My mind and heart are both racing a million miles per hour. I don't remember paying for the stuff we ate. (I hope we paid!)And I don't remember walking out of the convenience store.
Ethel is silent.
We walk out into the early morning light, and head back to the compound. We don't need the pen light anymore, and we also don't see any scurrying, scary animals. My stomach is already upset. It's gurgling and making all kinds of weird sounds. But honestly, my thinking is so fuzzy, that I don't even notice nor care. We walk in silence, until we hear the chirp of the siren.
I turn around, and see the flashing blue and red light. And hear the chirp again. I look at Ethel, and she just looks at me. Neither of us can actually form a cohesive sentence or thought at this time, so we just stare. We stare at each other, then at the police officer as he exits his police car.
We stare at each other. Then we stare at the police officer. He stares at both of us. Then he sighs. Then he opens the door to the back of his car, and nods his head at us. We silently walk over and climb in the back of the car. Ethel puts her hands up to touch the ceiling of the car (the proper position for handcuffing) and this makes the police officer smile and snort. He slams the car door and gets into the car. So now, we are sitting in the back of a police car......in our pajamas.
He heads right to the compound. None of us have said one word. He stops at the end of the long driveway, and stops the car. He lets us out, smiling. We climb out of the car, and start walking up the driveway. He clears his throat, so we turn so we can hear what he has to say to us.
"Um..Ma'am. You have cheese doodle all over your face."
He laughs as he climbs into his car.
Ethel brushes the orange cheese powder off of me, and I brush off the chocolate crumbs off of her. This seems to snap us out of our sleepy spell. We go back to dodging and weaving out of the shadows, and make it to our room without running into anyone. We do one last cheese doodle inspection before we flopped into our beds.
We slept the whole day away.
The spa calls us and tells us that we are late for our procedures. We fake being sick, and reschedule for the last day. We change our colonic to waxing treatments, just so we don't get found out.
We're criminal masterminds, you know?
Ethel is silent.
We walk out into the early morning light, and head back to the compound. We don't need the pen light anymore, and we also don't see any scurrying, scary animals. My stomach is already upset. It's gurgling and making all kinds of weird sounds. But honestly, my thinking is so fuzzy, that I don't even notice nor care. We walk in silence, until we hear the chirp of the siren.
I turn around, and see the flashing blue and red light. And hear the chirp again. I look at Ethel, and she just looks at me. Neither of us can actually form a cohesive sentence or thought at this time, so we just stare. We stare at each other, then at the police officer as he exits his police car.
We stare at each other. Then we stare at the police officer. He stares at both of us. Then he sighs. Then he opens the door to the back of his car, and nods his head at us. We silently walk over and climb in the back of the car. Ethel puts her hands up to touch the ceiling of the car (the proper position for handcuffing) and this makes the police officer smile and snort. He slams the car door and gets into the car. So now, we are sitting in the back of a police car......in our pajamas.
He heads right to the compound. None of us have said one word. He stops at the end of the long driveway, and stops the car. He lets us out, smiling. We climb out of the car, and start walking up the driveway. He clears his throat, so we turn so we can hear what he has to say to us.
"Um..Ma'am. You have cheese doodle all over your face."
He laughs as he climbs into his car.
Ethel brushes the orange cheese powder off of me, and I brush off the chocolate crumbs off of her. This seems to snap us out of our sleepy spell. We go back to dodging and weaving out of the shadows, and make it to our room without running into anyone. We do one last cheese doodle inspection before we flopped into our beds.
We slept the whole day away.
The spa calls us and tells us that we are late for our procedures. We fake being sick, and reschedule for the last day. We change our colonic to waxing treatments, just so we don't get found out.
We're criminal masterminds, you know?
Friday, January 2, 2009
The Great Escape-Part One
Okay, at this point, I'm starving. (Starving... like I'm considering eating my shoes.) Ethel is no help, since she is just as hungry and mean as I am. We begin our night by talking lovingly about the foods that we miss. We talk about what is going to be the first thing that we eat once we get "released". All of this discussion just makes us hungrier (and meaner). So, we switch gear and start trying to talk about the most disgusting things that we have ever witnessed. This works for a minute or two, but we quickly run out of things to talk about. (We can only discuss girls and cups for so long.) So, our next tactic to to pace and wring our hands together. (this one also lasts but a few minutes). We call the front desk, and request to be medicated. Within minutes, the magic sleeping pills appear, and we gulp them down.
Nothing happens!
We go back to pacing and wringing our hands.
We're both getting irritated, and suddenly are getting panicky.
It's not looking good.
In the wee morning hours, we are still doing the same things. Finally, Ethel speaks.
"I'm outta here."
She heads for the door, not bothering to change into clothes. I'm wearing chili pepper flannel pajamas, and Ethel is wearing star and moon pajamas.(glow in the dark, natch.) She starts to put on her shoes, but then realizes that we won't even make it to the lobby before "they" will notice that our shoes are gone. She grabs her flip flops and her wallet, and tiptoes out of the room. I grab my pen light from my purse (Note to reader-Right now, go put a pen light into your purse. I promise you that you will thank me one day.) and my flip flops and head out the door after her.
We duck and dodge, hiding in the shadows. We make it outside with no problems at all. I click on my light, and we quickly walk down the road towards civilization. I shine my light down at our feet because we are practically barefoot, and trying to cross the desert. (WTH was I thinking??) We yelped whenever we saw a animal, and then harshly hushed each other. We hopped over things that scurried in the dark. I was worried about getting separated, but I just followed the stars (and the moons on her pajamas). We made it to the paved road, and then we started to jog (Yup, we jogged. That's how freakin hungry we were.) to the closest convenience store. We hid in the alley behind the store, (looking back now, it was probably not the safest thing we've ever done.) until it was somewhat deserted. (Again, not the safest thing we've ever done.) When no one was around, we made a run for the door.
The door jingled, and then we stood in the harsh lights of the market. (in our pajamas.) The young man behind the counter just looked at us. Silently, he raised his hand, and pointed to the center aisle of the tiny market. We ran over, holding hand, and practically tripping over each other. We sat on the floor. (WE SAT ON THE FLOOR! Eeeewwww!) Ethel ripped open a chocodile and crammed it in her mouth......whole. I chewed open a bag of chips, and guzzled them. We sat there, ripping package after package, eating everything that we could. Within minutes, I swear I was seeing stars. (and moons too.)
I was dizzy, happy, and drooling.
To be continued.....
Nothing happens!
We go back to pacing and wringing our hands.
We're both getting irritated, and suddenly are getting panicky.
It's not looking good.
In the wee morning hours, we are still doing the same things. Finally, Ethel speaks.
"I'm outta here."
She heads for the door, not bothering to change into clothes. I'm wearing chili pepper flannel pajamas, and Ethel is wearing star and moon pajamas.(glow in the dark, natch.) She starts to put on her shoes, but then realizes that we won't even make it to the lobby before "they" will notice that our shoes are gone. She grabs her flip flops and her wallet, and tiptoes out of the room. I grab my pen light from my purse (Note to reader-Right now, go put a pen light into your purse. I promise you that you will thank me one day.) and my flip flops and head out the door after her.
We duck and dodge, hiding in the shadows. We make it outside with no problems at all. I click on my light, and we quickly walk down the road towards civilization. I shine my light down at our feet because we are practically barefoot, and trying to cross the desert. (WTH was I thinking??) We yelped whenever we saw a animal, and then harshly hushed each other. We hopped over things that scurried in the dark. I was worried about getting separated, but I just followed the stars (and the moons on her pajamas). We made it to the paved road, and then we started to jog (Yup, we jogged. That's how freakin hungry we were.) to the closest convenience store. We hid in the alley behind the store, (looking back now, it was probably not the safest thing we've ever done.) until it was somewhat deserted. (Again, not the safest thing we've ever done.) When no one was around, we made a run for the door.
The door jingled, and then we stood in the harsh lights of the market. (in our pajamas.) The young man behind the counter just looked at us. Silently, he raised his hand, and pointed to the center aisle of the tiny market. We ran over, holding hand, and practically tripping over each other. We sat on the floor. (WE SAT ON THE FLOOR! Eeeewwww!) Ethel ripped open a chocodile and crammed it in her mouth......whole. I chewed open a bag of chips, and guzzled them. We sat there, ripping package after package, eating everything that we could. Within minutes, I swear I was seeing stars. (and moons too.)
I was dizzy, happy, and drooling.
To be continued.....
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