Tyrese is Trying to Kill Me

Call 911.
I really think that he is trying to kill me.

Really.

I get to the gym, and he tells me not to warm up on the elliptical machine today. (This statement immediately makes my butt cheeks clench.) He tells me that today......we will be running.
Outside.
(And no one will be chasing me with a chain saw??)
Tyrese is really asking a lot today. Worst off, I quickly realize that there is no way for me to cheat. And cheating, is what gets me through the workout. I normally shave off 2-3 reps from each set. (A rep is the number of times you do a certain movement. A set is how many groups of reps you just did. Like: 15 curls on each arm, both arms, three times. It would be 15 reps, 3 sets. You actually move your arm 90 times. They make it confusing like this on purpose, so you don't scream out, "You want me to do this 90 times!!! Are you crazy??!!" They can be very tricky.) So, I try my next tactic, and that is to stall. Like, I'm going to be able to stall for an hour. Right. I take my time putting my shoes on. I complain out loud, to no one in particular, that I'm not wearing proper running socks. I mention my tendency to blister, but it falls on deaf ears. I tell him that my underwear is chafing me, but he doesn't even snicker.
I finally move outside, and noticed that I've only manage to kill three minutes.
He is already outside, hopping around on his toes.
I just stand there.
He tells me to start moving, in order to warm up. I ask him if I should hop around like a fool too. He ignores me, again.
I still stand there.
He looks right at me, and says, "If you don't start moving, I'm going to get my bull horn."

The thought of him chasing after my running ass with a bullhorn is too much for me to handle, so I start hoping around like an idiot. I'm really getting into it, so I start swinging my hands around like I'm shadow boxing. (I imagine that I look like Rocky, I'm sure that I look more like one of The Stooges) Tyrese watches me for a moment, then tells me to knock it off. He points to the next stoplight (about 100 yards away) and tells me that he will run along side of me to that point. I sigh, and I start to jog.
Okay, I haven't jogged in a long time. (Like, the last time I ran anywhere is when I was chasing a balloon.) I felt awkward. Really awkward. I felt like my whole body shook with each step. I felt out of breath. I felt a pain in my side. And I was super-duper sweaty.
DO. NOT. LIKE.
He points to the next light signal, and tells me to meet him there. I make it to the point, and notice that Tyrese isn't even breathing hard. For whatever reason, this make me self conscious, so I do the logical thing. I start holding my breath. Which of course, makes me lightheaded and pukey. He points again, and again. I run along side of him, holding my breath and trying not to swing my elbows too much.
I was sweaty, out of breath, and drooling. My nose started running. And I had to puke. Plus, now my underwear was starting to chafe. I was completely miserable.

Meanwhile Tyrese is simply jogging along.

Finally, we are getting close to the gym. I see a lot of gym people outside, and I manage a small wave as we breeze by. (Inside, I was dying) I'm happy to be done, and couldn't wait to get inside. Tyrese tells me that I did a good job today, and I should be proud of myself. (All I heard was......"That'll do, pig. That'll do.")
I go into the locker room, and catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror.
I have a stream of dried snot going across my cheek. And some dried drool in the corners of my mouth.

Figures.