Creative eating

Okay, lets take a break from all this sweaty exercising and talk about diets. (let’s just put the gross out warning right here. You may want to skip today’s posts if you have a weak disposition. ) Before I continue, I just want to let everyone know that I am a pretty well balanced person. There is no history of mental illness in any parts of my family. (for the most part….) I’m also some what smart. (albeit lazy) I can name all the states and their capitals. I can take public transportation without getting utterly lost. I can recite the periodic table. But, when it comes to putting food into my mouth, I turn into a complete dumb ass. Therefore, I have tried every ludicrous diet imaginable. You know that little voice inside your head that says, “No, this isn’t a good idea.”
Well, that bitch is long gone.

The Cabbage Soup diet
This was popular in the late 80’s. It was before the internet, so this diet was passed around in schools and offices on Xeroxed pieces of papers. The diet mainly consisted of making a huge stock of vegetable soup, and only consuming that……forever. I don’t remember there being any type of protein in the diet (chicken, beef, etc) just all vegetables. On the barely legible paper, it included something about this diet was the diet that was used by some famous hospital (usually The Mayo Clinic or John Hopkins) before patients entered surgery. It was the “last resort” diet for overweight patients who needed to lose weight fast, in order to survive heart surgery. Anyways, the diet was basically water, cabbage, tomatoes, onions, celery, and carrots. Just boil and eat for breakfast, lunch, snacks, and dinner. Yummmy. (blech!) I lasted about 2 ½ days before I snapped and ate a hamburger. (before the hamburger, I had “lost” 3 lbs) The worst part about this whole ordeal was that this was one of my early attempts at cooking. (I didn’t know all the safe cooking rules just yet.) So, I made a huge stockpot full of the soup. I mean huge. So huge was this stockpot, that it didn’t fit inside my tiny apartment fridge. So, being the dumbass that I am, I just left it out on the stovetop.
All day.
For two days.
In June.
In Southern California.
And, I was still eating the soup at the time. Let just say, I was totally surprised that on day two, the tomatoes had turned green and fuzzy. I wish I had noticed that before I ate that last bowl. (For the record, it takes me approximately 5 years before I can eat any type of vegetable soup again.)

Bulimia as a diet
Bulimia is a serious and deadly disease that should not be taken lightly. It is not an entertaining disease for those who suffer from it. Unless you are a complete dumbass who tries to convince herself that she has it. (Background: I’m not a throw up-y kind of person. Never have been, probably never will. I can count on one hand how many times, in my life, I have thrown up.) Nonetheless, I attempt to make myself vomit in order to reduce my weight. The perfect opportunity came after a BBQ at our friend’s house. Mr. Hummingbird stayed to help clean up. I had the house to myself. And the motivation. (I had eaten my weight in ribs and potatoe salad.) I waddle to the toilet, kneel before it, and wait.
Nothing.
I jam my fingers down my throat.
I gag, but nothing.
I try again.
More gagging. Some serious slobbering. But still nothing.
I grab a plastic chopstick and stick it down my throat.
Nothing but slobber and gagging.
I practically stick my head in the toilet, hoping to be so disgusting that I make myself throw up. I try and picture the most disgusting, vile images in order to make me throw up. I picture public men’s rooms at the local gas stations. I picture rotting cheese on a hot day in the garbage pail. I picture Richard Simmons, naked, coming after me.
Nothing works.
I give up and silently curse my suppressed gag reflex.

Syrup of Ipecac
Since the vomit party didn’t work out, I decided to try something new. I got this idea from either Melrose Place or 90210. (I don’t remember which one should get the credit.) Anyways, syrup of ipecac is something that you would find in a first aid kit. It’s sole purpose is to induce vomiting. It’s brown and smells weirdly woodsy. One night, after Mr. Hummingbird leaves me home to visit his parents, I break out the tiny bottle. I take one tiny spoonful of the stuff, and wait for the magic to happen. I start to feel nauseous. My stomach starts to turn and jump. (Jump violently.) I start to drool like a mad dog. I quickly regret my decision. I kneel before my toilet, and wait. I feel the worst that I’ve ever felt in my life. (and I had mono my senior year in high school!) My eyes are tearing. My body is bloated. The smell of Ipecac is stagnant in my bathroom. I wait while I feel like I’m going to die.
And nothing.
I got a tiny vomit burp, but that’s it.
I was suffering for nothing.
WAIT! It gets worst. The thing with Ipecac that no one tells you is that is also give you the runs. Serious runs. So, not only are you vomiting, but shits flying out of your ass too. (At record speed.) Your body suddenly becomes liquid. A foul Ipecac smelling liquid. Seriously the worst night of my life. (For the record, the smell of Ipecac still makes my stomach violently jump. 12 years later.)

Toilet Paper
Thanks to Donahue (google it, youngsters) I learned that models ate toilet paper in order to feel full. It was like eating your daily recommended dose of fiber, times 100. You body supposedly ignores it, and it all comes out in the pooper. So, I figure, why not? I convince myself that it just fiber. Wads and wads of petal soft quilted bleached fiber. I force myself to start snacking on TP. (at this point in my life, I really questioned my sanity) I carry around a snack of Charmin in my purse. But the best part of this little diet is that it’s readily available and I can snack in private!! Yippee! By coincidence, I happen to be doing some volunteer work at our local hospital. I was considering going into Nursing, so this was helpful. (it’ll get to be much more helpful pretty soon.) One day, we had a patient come in that had an intestinal blockage. It was really painful and traumatic for the poor woman. It was serious enough for her to go into immediate surgery. Right before going to the OR, I had to take her vitals etc. She started gagging and heaving. I helped her while she vomited into bucket after bucket. (This is where it really gets gross.) After helping her clean up and compose herself, I go to start cleaning up. I look into the buckets, and see shit. Literally. The poor woman had just endured fecal vomiting. (Poop was coming out of her mouth.) Seriously, the grossest thing I’ve ever witnessed. After the surgery, they found out what the blockage was: nail clippings, hair, and ……….wait for it……….toilet paper. Yeah, that woman had problems, but it ended my TP eating days.

Next up: My trip to the ER!, upgrading trainers, and shame