Dr. Chad

So, I ask around and find myself a chiropractor. It's not covered by my insurance, so it's all out of pocket. (lovely..) I make an appointment, and bring my checkbook.
I arrive to meet Dr. Chad. He's young and he's handsome. (of course, right?) Why couldn't I have the older grey haired doctor who smells like hummus?
*sigh*
Seriously Dr. Chad is young. I'm guessing that he is around 22 yrs old. (I'm actually SHOCKED to later find out that not only is he in his 30's, but also married and with....6 kids!) He's nice, and funny. He does a complete work up on me ($105) that include x-rays. He tells me that one of my leg bones is actually 1/4" shorter than the other, (great....I'm a freak) which actually adds extra pressure on my joints. I'm listening to his diagnosis, and notice that he does not mention my weight at all. I guess that we will just sit here nodding, ignoring the elephant in the room. (no pun intended) As we are talking, he looks down and sees my feet. (I'm barefoot) He exclaims, "Wow, your feet are bad!"

Lovely.

"I mean, do you have problems with your feet?"

Now, I really have never had any issues with my feet up until this point. Sure, they hurt. Sure they would sometimes be a little red in places. I never gave it a second thought. (I just figured that since I was so cheap, I was just buying cheap shoes.) Well, Dr. Chad tells me that he is also a podiatrist. (how lucky am I??) He goes on to tell me that while my feet aren't giving me problems now, as I age, I will probably have all kinds of problems. He sells me on getting some custom fitted orthotics, ($300) that I will have to wear inside my workout shoes.

In the end, he starts his adjustment on me. He pokes, pulls, and snaps me. It actually feels great. The grand finale was the full body adjustment. In order to do this, he places my arms in a strange position, moves my legs in the other direction, all while I lay on my back on his adjustment table. I think he's done, when HE CRAWLS ON TOP OF ME AND USES HIS OWN BODY WEIGHT TO APPLY PRESSURE TO MY BODY.

My body snaps into place, and feels good.

My mind, on the other hand, feels icky.

This young, handsome man just crawled all over my shocked body.

Icky, icky, icky.

The worst part, of course, was not the violation of space, but the anxiety I felt as he applied pressure down on me, squeezing out any pesky farts I may be hording. I lay there, shocked. How could something so good turn so bad? I get up, and head out.

The next time I go see him, (BTW, I see him several times a week for the first week to adjust my kink. Each visit costs me $75. After the first week, I see him weekly. Mr. Hummingbird is unaware of my appointments.) I will myself to tell him that I'm uncomfortable with the finale. He just shrugs, and does the adjustment without crawling all over me. It's not as effective, but I can live with it. Many, many sessions later, he forgets and starts to crawl all over me again. I interrupt his pouncing, and remind him that I'm not comfortable with that move. He nods and says, "oh, yeah, you're my patient with the space issues."

Nice.

When I get the orthotics, they are stiff and bulky. I'm suppose to wear them in my workout shoes. He starts to tell me that I should be wearing them all the time. Well, what am I suppose to do for work??
"Just buy another pair of slimmer ones. ($300) Then, hot glue gun them to the inside of some birkenstocks," he tells me.

Huh?

I don't have the heart to laugh at him for:
1. telling me to buy another pair.
2. saying the word "hotglue gun".
3. suggest that I wear birkenstocks to work.

I shrug, and wait for him to try to crawl all over me.