**raises hand**
What? I'm the only one? I'm the only one stupid enough to do this? And, BTW, I totally blame this one on Tami from The Real World (Season one) for giving me the idea.
Bitch.
Mr. Hummingbird was leaving on a business trip for two weeks, so naturally I made an appointment for when he was gone.
After several dozen phone calls, (this was before the Internet was useful) I found a dental clinic that would do it. Cost of the procedure? $275
Okay, let's start by discussing the fact that when you get your jaw wired shut for dietary reasons, they actually do not use wire. They are more like BIG GIANT STAPLES. The "dentist" (yeah, those quotes are not accidents) anchors one end of the staple to a space between your teeth on the top teeth, and the other point to the bottom teeth. Now, I know that usually I survive this type of trauma by being ignorant (ignorance is bliss) about the whole thing, until the moment where my stomach does a flip and my conscience finally says to me, "Hey, maybe this isn't such a good idea after all?" But this time around, I did do a little research.
Was I fearful for my health?
Was I concern for my mental attitude?
No, I didn't want to mess up my pretty teeth. (Yup, I'm that vain. Plus, you can buy a small compact car for the money that my parents spent on my teeth.)
So, I was assured that the procedure was quick, painless, and easy.
F'ng liars.
I drove down to a not-so-nice-area of Los Angeles. I was told to bring cash only. (Yeah, I know. That should have been my first clue.) The plan is that I will have my jaw stapled shut for 14 days. I hope to lose at least 25 lbs. while on a total liquid diet. The actual procedure only takes 20 mins. and I can control any slight soreness with Ibuprofen. (crushed up and sipped through a straw, naturally)
The stapling was pretty quick. I had a slight headache, and my jaw felt sore. Since I have pretty teeth, I had to move my jaw in an unnatural position, in order to have a space for my drinking straw to fit into. Sounds great, huh?
Well, the first problem I had was that now my jaw was wired kindof crookedly. So, because I had some Xylocaine, I was now drooling. (okay, I drool often, but this time it was actually going out of my mouth and down my chin. Very attractive.) Second problem? Well, this is the part that noone told me about. But since you cannot open your mouth to eat, well, you also cannot open your mouth to get a toothbrush in there! By the third day, I swear I felt like I had a dead animal in my mouth. No amount of mouthwash or water piking helped. It was nasty! And, my pearly whites were now covered in a weird scum. Third problem? I kept forgetting that I couldn't open my mouth. Each time I tried to speak, the staples would pull on my gums. Eventually they started to bleed. I was really, really worried about getting an infection because of the whole dirty scummy mouth of mine.
My eating plan was to sip protein drinks. This plan died quickly because of the milk protein in the shakes. (Imagine a sippy cup full of milk...after a few hours under the couch. Remember that smell?? That was what my mouth smelled like.) I stuck to broths and even managed to squeeze a few small noodles in between my askewed teeth. After a while, the roof of my mouth was hurting from all the straw sucking. Yeah, I was really miserable.
I sucked down ibuprofen after ibuprofen. (which, BTW, is just plain nasty once you crush them) I couldn't sleep at night, because my face was so sore. When I did fall asleep, I started moving my jaw so I would wake up with a mouthful of bleeding gums.
Nice.
I lasted only 8 days. I couldn't take it anymore. Not so much the "not eating" part, but the "being miserable and smelly" part.
Days on the diet: 8 days
Lbs lost: 10 lbs!
# of days the lbs stayed off: about 14 days
Cost of diet: $275 and my dignity
