The Cramp

So, I'm at the gym, and Tyrese says that he has a new exercises for me. (great!) There is a pole, no...more of a column....in the gym. (It's obviously structural, because it's uglier than ugly.) So, if you're thinking "stripper pole" think more along the lines of a subway pole. Anyways, after a fairly tough leg workout, he leads me to The Pole. I'm suppose to kneel, straddle the pole, open my knees apart as wide as they can go, and hold the pole with my hands over my head. (I hope this makes sense. There is no way that Google is going to have a picture of this.) So, now I'm at the bottom of the pole, with my hands over my head. He tells me to stand up, toes up, with all my weight on my heels. (THIS. IS. HARD) I could totally feel the muscles in the back of my legs.

"do 25 of those, then you will switch."

Around number 16, I could no long lift up my toes. My legs were shaking and quivering. He smiles, and pulls out two small blocks of wood. He places these under my toes, to keep the weight on my heels. I growl at him. I finish my first set of 25.

"Now, put the blocks under your heels, and do another 25"

THIS.IS.HARDER.

I'm grabbing on this pole for dear life. I'm sweating, so my hands keep slipping. I'm afraid that someone is going to think that I'm purposely rubbing my lady bits on the pole. I'm afraid that I'm going to lose my balance and fall over. I'm afraid that I'm going to fart.

I finish the sets, and stop. I stand up, walking around, stretching out my arms and legs.

"you're not done."

Dammit.

I straddle the pole again. This time, around number 23, I feel some pain.
Some sharp shooting pain.
On my ass.

"Cramp! Cramp! Cramp!"

I crumble to the ground. I'm rolling around like one of the Three Stooges.

"Where is it?!? Where is it?!?" he shouts at me.

I can't (and won't) answer him. I'm trying to decide if this pain will go away on it's own. (it won't)
He grabs my arm, and starts massaging.
"NO!"

He grabs my other arm, and starts massaging.
"NO!"

He grabs my leg and starts massaging my thigh.
"NO!"

He grabs my other leg, and starts massaging my other thigh.
"NO!"

He looks stumped.

"MY ASS! MY ASS! I HAVE A CRAMP IN MY ASS!!!!" I whisper in a tone only the stone deaf couldn't hear.

Now, this is the only time that I have ever seen the blood rush out of some one's face. He looked completely lost and confused. (um...who could blame him??) I could see by the the look on his face, that he was trying to decide what to do. Is this a joke? Is she really hurt? Why me?

He stands up, and scoops me up in his arms. (his manly, strong arms) I'll floundering around, so it's more like we are wrestling than him carrying me. He rushes me to his office, and throws me on the couch. (face first, I might add.) He shuts the door.

"Where?! WHERE?!"

I point my my left ass cheek.

He starts massaging my ass cheek!

My body tenses up, fighting it. He presses harder. (yup, that's going to leave a mark.) He starts kneading my ass cheek with all his might. (BTW, I don't have to fart anymore.) His thumb is closing in on the forbidden zone.
I lay there, clenching my teeth, waiting for the pain to go away.
Finally, after what seemed like hours, my ass stopped hurting.
"Okay, it's gone now," I whispered.
Tyrese sit down next to me, just as exhausted as I am.
Neither of us say anything.
We just sit there awkwardly.

Finally, he gets up and tells me, "you're not drinking enough water. You're on a high protein diet, so you need more water otherwise you're always going to cramp."

That's it??!

"you know, in some countries, we'd be married because of that."

He cringes.