Why I don't Twitter

If I twittered, this is what my life would look like:

• Fell off the wagon this weekend. Fell off, then it ran me over. Then, it backed up and ran me over again. I’m positive I have set a new record for calories consumed.
• I ate an entire family size bag of cheetos. Had to run out when noone was looking to replace the bag. Clerk at 7/11 recognized the cheese dust.
• Decided I wanted to walk on the treadmill, out of guilt. Got as far as putting on my shoes, before I saw something shiny that distracted me. I sat on the couch instead.
• Saw ex-boyfriend at the mall. Avoided him. Secretly laughed that he looks old and fat.
  Thought he was there with his daughter. Found out that it’s his new wife.
• Decided to get on treadmill after all. Walked barefoot, because I couldn't find my shoes.
• Forgot I told Mr. HB that we were going out for dinner. He waited to eat, I didn’t. (took kids to McDonalds) Had to have dinner again, in order not to hear it from Mr.HB.
• Bribed kids with ice cream in order to not to blow it.
• Ran out of soap while in the shower. Had to use foot scrub as body wash. I smell pepperminty.
• Accidentally grabbed fish instead of chicken for lunch. The lunchroom smells like an alley down by the docks. Coworkers are walking around saying, ”do you smell that?”
• Found out that I cannot eat a Fiberbar AND a double fiber muffin, all in the same day.Too much of a good thing.
• Doing leg lifts under neath my desk. I'm insane.
• Hungry. Considering eating Post It notes.
• Asked Tyrese if it’s possible for me to work out too much. I don’t want to be manly looking. He laughed harder than I have ever seen him laugh.
• Tyrese told me I smelled like his grandpa.
• Tempted to skip the treadmill tonight, after my workout. Tyrese is standing by the door of the gym. Thinking of going out the bathroom window. This will not end well.
• Got caught trying to open the window. Told him I just needed fresh air because I had too much fiber today. Saw him cringe.
• Snuck out the front door while he is talking to some girl. Realize I forgot my handbag. Head back in gym like a ninja.
• Walked on the treadmill.
• Got weird sweat stains underneath my boobs. Why are only my boobs sweating? I look like an idiot.
• Finally leave gym and fight traffic for 30 mins.
• Sit on couch for a long long time.