Initial Reactions

So, Ethel and I take a walk around the resort. (from here on in, it will now be known as a compound) It's not fancy-fancy, but it's still nice. Very rustic and natural. The compound has several Villas (from here on out, they will be known as dormitories) and a nice outdoor area. The hillside is right outside the back door, so the views are spectacular. We walk around, and instantly realize that we are the fattest people there.

We have to sign up for our spa treatments (from here on out, they will be known as torture treatments.) I signed up for two spa treatments daily, and one group activity. (I ignored the facials, mani/pedis since I figured that I could get those services anywhere.) I signed up for a daily hydro colonic, a daily lymphatic drainage massage, and a sunrise hike. Ethel copied me but added an aqua aerobics class to her schedule. (I told her that I couldn't go into a swimming pool unless I had a margarita in my hand. You know, the ol' religious beliefs excuse.)

We hang around the pool area and sauna while we wait for our first treatments. (Drinking the de-li-cious diet lemonade, natch) It was hard to stop obsessing about food while sitting there. I picked up a magazine (Gourmet magazine. Who the f*ck brings Gourmet magazine to a fat farm?? Muther f'ers!) but it just made my mouth water. I looked around to the other guests, and everyone had that same dull look in there eyes. I started visualizing that we were all going to turn into zombies and start eating each other, but then I shuddered those thoughts away and reminded myself to have a positive attitude. (Might as well start now, right?) I found that sitting in the sauna helped curb my appetite. (mostly because it made me so parched that I considered licking the redwood walls.)

Ethel was having fun in her aqua aerobics class. She was bouncing around, swinging her hands, and laughing like a loon. (I think she got into my mouthwash. That b*tch.) She seemed to be having a good time, and everyone in her class loves her. (did I mention that she was the youngest one in the class? Yeah, it was a total geriatrics class. I saw old man balls and everything.) She splashes away the calories, while I hope to hibernate and hold off my hunger. (sucker.)

My first session is the lymphatic massage. It's a medicinal massage that uses manual touch to force out toxins from your lymph nodes. To be completely honest with you, I didn't notice a difference from a regular massage. Other than the fact that the therapist used hot wet towels first, and I was required to sit in the sauna for 20 minutes prior to my appointment. So, all in all, it was a pleasant experience. (It even made me forget about my hunger.) Ethel on the other hand had her first colonic.

It was amazing to see the physical change in her before and after. (Whoa, don't be thinking that she looked slimmer or anything!!) I'm talking about her demeanor. One minute she's bouncing around the pool, splashing complete strangers, and the next minute she walks out of the torture chamber madder than a bee. She also announces that she wants to go home. I remind her that we cannot because:

1. They have our car keys.
2. They stole our shoes.
3. And we already paid in full.

So, basically, I told her to suck it up. (She didn't say much after that, but a few weeks later she told me that knowing that I was having a colonic next made her feel better. It also kept her from putting a rock in my lemonade.)