Flashback to Failed Diet- Plastic Surgery

Well of course I went there! Don'tcha know me by now?? After the disappointing failure of my chopstick diet, I knew that I needed something extreme.
Extreme.
So, I turn to my good friend and confidant, my T.V. As with the rest of America, I was mesmerized by the plastic surgery shows that suddenly monopolized our T.V's. It amazed me that within an hour, a woman could be completely transformed into the woman that she wanted to be. Boob jobs, lipo, chemical peels, spray tan, veneers, extensions. Husbands couldn't recognize wives, and mothers couldn't recognize their own daughters.
I LOVED IT.
So, I (discreetly) asked around, and got the number of a highly respected doctor. I called and made an appointment. (forgetting to mention it to Mr. Hummingbird, naturally) The doctor was located in Newport Beach Ca, which apparently is only 2nd to Beverly Hills in the sheer number of plastic surgeons per capita. I was actually excited and was looking forward to this.
When I arrived, I was surprised to find such a quiet normal looking office. I'm not sure what I was expecting....naked pics on the walls?? Strippers in the waiting room? A stripper pole in the lobby? I waited 45 mins in a non descript exam room. They had me fully clothed, which I thought was a little strange. When the Dr. came in, I was faced to face with a small, grandmother-ly, beehived woman. She sat down with me, and started discussing what procedures I was considering. (she added the "s" at the end. I was strictly looking for a one procedure. I'm guessing she took one look at me, and decided that I could use a lot of work.) I told her that I was interested in lipo.
"where?"
I wasn't prepared for this question. I was thinking, "well, everywhere."
She started asking me a lot of questions about my medical history. I was making me nervous that I wasn't (for once!) undressed, and that she wasn't examining me. She then started asking me about my breasts. (To be honest with you, I HAD considered getting them done, since they were getting flat and saggy.) We talked about my saggy breasts for a while. Then, she said, "Well, I'm sorry to tell you this, but I cannot do a surgery on you."
WHAAAA? I was totally not ready for this.
She continued, "I cannot do any surgery on you until you lose some weight. It's just not safe."
I was shocked.
SHOCKED.
I stood there with a dumb look on my face, and my mouth hanging open.
She then tells me that she would like to exam me now. She asks me to undress.
RIGHT. THERE.
Talk about awkward. I'm trying to undress myself, and she is sitting there, waiting for me. She comes at me with a tape measure, and starts to write down my measurements. (I close my eyes, and think about rainbows and ponies.) When she's done, she announces, "Yes, you would do well with breast implants, but you would also need a lift."
Okaaay.
"but I don't do those both at the same time. And I can't do any surgery until you lose weight."
So, now I'm getting pissed. If she knew that I wasn't a good candidate, why was I standing there in my underwear? AND we've all see the extreme make-over shows where they do a marathon surgeries all at once. Never mind these surgeries are usually on an obese person. WE ALL KNOW THIS TO BE A FACT. (right?!?) I just couldn't understand how this whole situation turned so akward and ugly.

But here was my reality:


I was too fat for lipo.