Fungal, Smun-gul

Today is leg day, and I forgot my gym towel. (I hate when I do that!) No only do I use it to wipe of sweat off the machines, but it camouflages my time on the elliptical machine(like a ninja), and covers my girly parts when I have to do some embarrassing stretches.
Sigh.
I head over to the leg curl machine. I lay down on my stomach, and Tyrese is adjusting the weights. (by the way, did I tell you that I'm not "allowed" to look at the settings? I have no idea how much weight he makes me do. He says it's because if I see the number, it will freak me out and form a mental block. I like to think that he just picks a number out of the air, depending on how foul his mood is on that particular day. He's in a bad mood most of the days.) I lay down, mostly. I'm holding my face up, off the bench. (My neck is killing me.)
"Lay down."
"Nope."
"What do you mean? You can't say no. You're going to strain your back like that."
"I'm not putting my face on this bench."
"Germaphobe."
"Yes, but besides that. I'm not putting my face on here."
"Why? You afraid that someone farted there?"

Why do boys always go for the fart jokes first?? *eyeroll*

"No, I've seen the guys here. I'm sure it's much worst."
"Girl, no one has shitted on my equipment."
*eyeroll #2*
"I know that. I'm just don't want my face on the bench, ok? Give me your damn sweatshirt."

He strips off his shirt.





(Let's just take a moment to think about this image.)








I ball it up, and put my face on it. I start my leg curls. Tyrese is counting. (BTW, did I mention that he is a lousy counter?? Yeah, I know that he adds 5-6 reps on me, when he thinks I'm not counting too. Newsflash-I take off 5-6 reps when he isn't paying attention.) I smell his cologne. Normally, this would bug me, but it doesn't since the alternative would be smelling the gym bench.
"Okay, rest. 30 seconds til your next set. Take a deep breath. Oh, does it smell like fart down there??" <----Tyrese is sooo not cute when he is trying to be funny.
*eyeroll #3*
"Look, I just don't put any of my body parts on things that might have saggy ball sack sweat on them."
Tyrese just stares at me, taking that last statement all in. I start the next set, and he's not even counting. (I knock off the last 6 reps since he's not even paying attention.) I finish the set extraordinarily fast.
"Now, why would someone rub their sweaty balls on my machines?"
"Don't forget saggy."
"Ok, saggy sweaty balls?"
"I see the guys in here. They can be pretty gross. Have you ever seen them spit phlegm balls into the drinking fountain? That's just nasty. And most of them don't bother having a towel. They aren't wiping their machines off like they are suppose to. Pigs."
"I'm still trying to figure out who is rubbing their saggy balls on my stuff."
"The boys. They sit on this bench, talking to each other. I know that their crotch is sweating. Where does that sweat go?? On this here bench, that's where."
"You're a very strange girl."
"Yeah, I know. Thanks." (I hop off the machine before he realizes that I didn't do the entire last set.)

A few days later, I get an itchy rash on my elbow. It's gross and flaky. Totally unacceptable. I got to visit Dr. Asshat. He takes all of 30 seconds and tells me to put Lotrimin AF on it every night.
Strange.
Why would I put Lotrimin AF on a rash? I ask.
"It's not a rash. It's a fungal infection."

I'm stunned and speechless.

"I have an STD on my elbow??!?"

Now Dr. Asshat is stunned and speechless.

"No. Fun-gal. From a fungus." He speaks slowly and deliberately, like he is talking to a child or a puppy.
"How the hell did this happen??"
"Well, have you done anything different lately? Crawled around sewer pipes? Spelunking? Rubbish detail for community service?" (<----you can tell that Dr. Asshat enjoys interacting with me as much as I do with him.) I immediately think about the gym towel.

"CAN I GET THIS FROM SAGGY BALL SACK SWEAT?!?!"

Dr. Asshat is stunned....again. (for those keeping score. I'm up 2 to 1)

"I'm not sure what time of activity you may have engage in, in order to rub testicle sweat all over your body, but it may be a possibility. Please keep that activity to a minimum, at least until the Lotrimin clears it up."

"Not all over my body.....it didn't get on my face......I think........" I squeak out as he's rushing out of the room like it was on fire.

The entire clerical staff watches me as I leave the office. I have a feeling that they wrote "ball sack girl" on my file.



I need to find a new doctor.






PS. 14 days later, I'm fungus free!