Don't Swallow Your Tongue!!

As I'm warming up, Tyrese says to me, "prepare for hoops today" and walks away.
For a split second, I actually think that we are playing basketball. (my sphincter actually clenches at the thought.) I rapidly try to think of an escape, (I never met a bathroom window that I couldn't climb.) when I see an absolute horrible sight.


Tyrese is holding a hula hoop.




(my sphincter clenches even more.)



I look around, to see who's the idiot that's going to use that hula hoop.




Oh, uh.


In my mind, there are two kinds of people in the world.
One is the young pretty fair haired slender girl. She has pink flowers in her hair, and is wearing pink corduroy pants. (that don't make that weird swishing sound when she walks, either.) In one hand she has a pink lollipop, and her other hand is extended out like Barbie. She is hardly moving her body, but (magically) there is a pink glittery hula hoops swooshing around her body at the speed of light. She continues this the entire time she is eating the pink lollipop.

The other is a short and chubby dark haired girl. She might have flowers in her hair, but it's hard to tell under the rat's nest on her head. Some of her hair is sticking to something on her face. She's wearing her older brother's hand me down clothes. With her jam-hands, she's holding a hula hoop. She swings it around her body, throwing her full body weight into the swing (she actually loses her balance a little). The hoop makes one complete rotation, then immediately crashes to her feet. She looks down at her feet, wondering what she did wrong. Then, her pants fall down to her ankles.

Guess which one I was??


I walk over to where Tyrese is, and ignore the hula hoop. (If I don't look directly at it, it doesn't exist.) He practically opens my clenches fist, and shoves the hoop into my hand.

Sigh.


I look around, and notice the unusual increase in young, good looking, meatheads in the weight room.

Awesome!

I start to tell Tyrese that I can't do the hula hoop because my I have a bad hip. Tyrese doesn't even flinch. He pulls out a stop watch, and tells me that in 30 seconds, I will hoop for one solid minute.
I hear a weird squeak, then I realize that it was coming from my throat.

"READY.....GO!"

I swing with all my might, and start to move my hips like a crazy person on fire.

For an actual second, I think that Tyrese thought I was convulsing.

When the hoop landed at my feet, and I looked up at him, I think he realized that I was still conscious. (20 more seconds, and I think he would have dug out my tongue to keep me from swallowing it.) He stares at me. I stare at him. I could tell that he was trying to figure out whether I was being serious or pulling his leg.
"What the hell was that?!?"
"Um, whatever do you mean??" I make a mental note to look up How to Hula Hoop on Youtube later.
"Girl. That was just ugly."
Ouch!
That's when I realize that there was absolutely no sound in the gym. I nonchalantly looked back over my shoulder, and out of the corner of my eye, I see every.single.person looking at me.
Tyrese regains his composure and says, "okay, 30 seconds, and you try again."
Okay, I'm going for it this time. I raise the hoop up high on my mid-section. I figure that I need all the "runway" that I can get.

"Okay..........GO!"

I turn with all my muscle in my upper body, shaking my ass like I'm in a rap video. The hoop goes across my boobs, and falls straight down to my feet, almost as if it was full of lead.
I stare at Tyrese. He stares at me. I again nonchalantly glance over my shoulder, and stare at everyone in the gym. (I also nonchalantly check to see if I split my pants. I'm golden.)
"I.....I don't know what to say." He looks around the room, I think he was maybe checking for an undercover camera or something.
"Am I done??"
"No. But are you okay? That one looked painful."
I ignore the smart aleck.
"Okay.....in 30 seconds, show me what you got."
This time, I have the hoop over my shoulders. My plan is to spin it around my neck. (Looking back, I'm not really sure what the hell I was thinking. I somehow thought that it would be easier.)

"GO!"

I start spinning the hoop around my neck. I clench my teeth, and veins start bulging out of my neck. I lean over, and stiffen up my body while the hoop is turning around my neck. I start rocking back and forth, eyes bulging. (I feel like one of those drinking birds. ) My arms are flapping around, looking for balance.

Tyrese takes a step back.

This went on F.O.R.E.V.E.R. (I suspect that Tyrese lost track of time.) I stop on my own, and he says nothing.
"Am.....I.........done?" I huff. I'm dirty. I'm sweaty. My nose is running. My shirt is practically twisted around me.

"Well, I am. I can't watch that anymore," he shakes his head, and turns to head back to his office. Without turning around, he say, "Do some bicycles. But don't hurt yourself." Then he mutters, "And stop scaring everyone."







I flip him off. (<----don't worry. His back was still turned.)