Working Out with Your Husband

Occasionally, I've been lucky enough to be at the gym at the same time that Mr. Hummingbird is there. (I suspect that I'm the lucky one. Mr. Hummingbird is definitely not the lucky one.) Mr. Hummingbird is working out with another trainer, so it's not like we're there side by side. (Plus, he pretty much ignores me when I'm there. Not because he embarrassed by me or anything. He says that it's because he's "focused". Uh huh.) He's usually in the dirty spit-y weight room, (did I tell you that the guys all spit in the water fountain??? Why do they do that?? Nasty.) and I'm usually with the circuit machines. It's a nice marriage.


Today, Tyrese is lucky enough to have both of us. (Lawd help him.) He watches us warm up, and get ready to start. (BTW, Mr Hummingbird is still trying to stay "focused" and ignore me. As I'm standing thisclose to him. Sheesh.) He tells us that since we can't work out on the same machines, (I'm doing many many reps on low weights, while he is doing few reps on heavy ass weights) we're going outside. He points out a course around the building and block and we're going for a jog. (By "we" that's just Mr. Hummingbird and me. Tyrese is watching us from the air conditioned room.) I hop around a bit, shaking out my limbs, doing my boxer's moves. Mr. Hummingbird just watches me. (I throw out a karate kick, just to watch the fear in his eyes.) Tyrese gets out his stop watch and tells us to get ready. He shouts "GO!" and we take off running. (so much for jogging) Mr. Hummingbird takes off in a full sprint, while I barely start a brisk jog. I continue at my pace, and it's no surprise that Mr. Hummingbird and Tyrese are both waiting for me at the "finish line". Neither say a thing to me. They both must be "focused".


We continue this routine for two more times. Each time, as I'm jogging, my mind starts to make note of all of the blind spots. I notice exactly when Tyrese can see me, and when he can't. By the third lap, I was ready. When our lap starts, as soon as I'm out of his sight, I duck behind a car. I hunch over, and walk/crawl through the parking lot. My plan is to get to the end of the lap, with out running any of it, and without getting caught. I'm halfway there, when I hear, "What the HELL are you doing??!" I turn to look.....and it's Mr. Hummingbird. I grab his hand and push his head down, behind the cars. I start to pull him towards the finish line, thinking that he's probably just as tired as I am. He'll be happy.


"NO! That's cheating!"


Now, I'm not sure that I've ever mentioned it before, but Mr. Hummingbird is also Mr. Insurance. What exactly does that mean? He has no flexibility in his morals. ZERO. Unlike me, who is very morally flexible. Enough for both of us, apparently.


"It's okay. We won't get caught. Just breathe heavily"


"No, we have to go back and start again. Now you messed up our times." he grabs my hand and leads me back to the start.


I drag my feet the whole way.
I give him the stank eye.
I'm tempted to take off my earring.
I'm tempted to pull my hair into a ponytail, and smear vaseline on my face.

Not good.


Mr. Hummingbird tells Tyrese that we have to do that lap all over again. Tyrese doesn't ask any questions. I'm jogging next to Mr. Hummingbird, and I start to get mad. I start to get embarrassed. I consider tripping him, but fight the urge. As "punishment" I get to do an extra lap all by myself.

I give both of them the stank eye, the entire time I'm running. I'm trying to decide who I'm more angry with.


Afterwards, Mr. Hummingbird tells me "if you're already there, you might as do the work." All I heard in my head was, "Waaah wah waaah wah waah!" (like in the Peanuts cartoons.)

He's crazy if he thinks he's getting any of my pie later. (not an actual pie. If I had an actual pie, he wouldn't get any of it either.)