It's a Gas, Gas, Gas.

I shit tar.



(I probably should have put a warning on this post, eh?)

And I'm really gassy. Really, really gassy. Plus, it smells like someone ran over a skunk with a garbage truck.
On a hot day in July.
With the garbage on fire.

If there was a contest, I totally would have won "foulest odor to be voluntarily emitted from a live body" trophy. (thank goodness that there is no such contest.....yet)


I can't help it. It's all because of the protein shakes. The shakes pack a whopping 50 grams of protein in each shake! And, I drink several a day. This results in me burning a hole through my chair. (And actually levitating in my chair.)

*sigh*


I've adapted as well as expected. On the fouler days, I take a walk around my building. If I do get stuck indoors, I cropdust the office. I synch my steps with each squeak. If someone asks, I tell them that I'm breaking in a new pair of shoes. (LOL! Suckers!) Another of my little tricks is to carry around a small tube of Trader Joe's Citrus Room Deodorizer. I leave a little stream of orange zest when I vacate a room. (I think this smell is more confusing to the innocent bystanders, though) So far, I think I'm getting away with it. (I think, but I'm probably not....)
As for the constipation, I discovered a little remedy.

I go to Taco Bell.

Really. No, I don't cheat on my diet, well, kind of. I use the little packets of hot sauce. I drown my chicken breast in it, and 20 minutes later, I'm making a run for the border. (well, the restroom) I'm in this vicious cycle for weeks. Finally, I decide to mention it to my trainer.
He chuckles when I tell him that I got the toots. He says that he was wondering how that part was going for me, since it was a known side effect of drinking so many protein shakes. (Which, BTW, kindof pissed me off. Why did he not mention anything to me beforehand? Think of all the time and embarrassment that would have saved me??) So, he walks me to the part of the gym where they try to sell you stuff. He picks up a package and tells me that I should think about trying this. I read the package:

Colon Cleanse

No, thank you very much. I'll stick with my Taco Bell solution. He shakes his head, and tells me that my Taco Bell solution is only a temporary solution. In the long run, it'll mess up my digestion.
*sigh*
Great. I end up buying the package. ($45) This is one new product that I'm not anxious to try.




Coming up next: Ethel and I escape from the Fat Farm!