The Fat Farm

So the next day, I talk to Tyrese about my little vacation. I gave him all the information on the resort, and showed him the website. (I had to tell him, because I would be missing my Friday and Monday workout.) After my workout, he said those magic words that almost made my pants moist. (almost.....)

"While at the resort, you can eat whatever you want."

Seriously, I almost knocked him down because I was so excited. So excited, that I didn't notice him grinning from ear to ear.

So, Ethel and I load up the car, and point it towards Palm Desert Ca. Two hours later, we are completely lost. (This was all before Mapquest and GPS, remember?) After driving around in circles, we pull into a gas station and get directions. We were lost mainly because the resort is in the outskirts of town, turning off the paved streets and driving down an isolated gravel driveway for miles. (We kept missing the darn turnoff.) Once we got down the long driveway, if you looked back, you couldn't even see the city. It was almost as if you were in the middle of nowhere.
The resort itself was rustic, but beautiful. We checked in, and they immediately took away our car keys. We were read the rules while they searched our bags. (it's rehab, remember?) All food and liquor were removed from our bags. (except for the tiny bottle of "mouthwash" that I filled with Grey Goose. Suckers.) Lights out was at 10 pm. We had to remove our shoes the entire time we were at the resort. (They provided us with slippers and flip flops to wear while we were there. Outside of our room, there was a plastic tray where we were to keep our shoes unless we were doing some hiking or walking the labyrinth........yes, I said labyrinth.) There were some areas that were strictly for women, and then there were co-ed areas. Even though some of the areas were for women only, we were to keep all of our clothes on at all times. (Really? They actually have to make this a rule?) Other than that, we had full use of the swimming pool, whirlpool, sauna, labyrinth, exercise classes, outdoor hikes, and two daily spa treatment. We were really excited about being there, until we both noticed something......there was no kitchen.
"where do we go to eat?"
Oh, remember when you walked into the lobby? That beverage bar? There is herbal tea there and you can have as much as you want.



WHAT! Is that all??!!

No, don't be silly. Outside on the patio, there is some diet "lemonade" (not really lemonade.....water with lemons floating around. That's pretty much it.) that you are welcome to have. It's in the cooler. And, at night, we bring you a cayenne detox drink to your room. You will be fasting the entire time you are here, in order to make sure the holistic treatments give you the best results.

Ethel and I looked at each other. Neither of us wanted to say anything. We just stared at each other, and blinked a lot. (Probably in order for us not to start crying, I'm sure.)

Somewhere, back home, Tyrese was laughing his arse off.