Me and my big mouth

So, I'm walking for an hour every day. And I'm working out with the trainer three times a week. I decide that I really need more, so I buy myself a treadmill. ($300 at Walmart. Don't tell Mr. Hummingbird) I park it in the garage, and resolve to use it.

My plan is to get up early every morning, and walk before I get ready for work. That was my plan, anyways. I don't know how to actually get myself up in the morning. This is really really hard to do. I'm sooo tired already, just by all the exercises I'm already doing. Plus, I'm still eating like a hamster. (mmmm....ham.....) I set a goal of an hour, but I'm lucky if I do 30 minutes. But hey, 30 minutes isn't something to sneeze at either. Right?

I also buy myself some fancy running shoes. ($80) I go to an actual running store, and try on about 15 pair. They even have a treadmill there so you can try out the shoes! (Fancy.) I pick a pair, and have to wait a few days until they arrive to the store. I feel like it's Christmas when I finally get them.

I'm starting to get shin splints when I walk. So, my trainer adds a banana to my diet. He also switches my protein drink, to one that had more protein per serving, and more calcium. ($36) I try several flavors, most that I literally have to gulp down in order not to actually taste them. I finally find a "chocolate" flavor one that doesn't make me gag. (notice that the word chocolate is in quotes?? That's not a mistake.) I'm drinking three protein drinks a day, each one containing 50 grams of protein each. (blech!) Plus, it makes me super gassy. (sh*t!)

My workouts are still the same. Warm up, do light weights, sweat like a pig, do ab workout, (floundering on the mat, like a mackerel) walk on the treadmill. It's all pretty boring. I make the mistake of saying this out loud.

Tyrese joins me the next session, right while I'm finishing up my warm up walk. He tell me to climb on the elliptical trainer, for a bit. Now, I've never tried this particular torture device before, because it looks like you need some serious coordination to do this. Serious coordination, that I do not posses. I climb aboard. My left hand goes forward, and my right leg goes backwards. I'm really not sure I'm going to like this. Tyrese tells me that he wants me to do the elliptical machine instead of the treadmill from this point on. (raises hand....I just bought a brand new treadmill.) He says that I can use the treadmill at home, but to use the elliptical machine in the gym because I will burn more calories that way. The entire time we are discussing this, I'm doing some sort of acrobatics on this machine. I almost feel like I'm going to fall off, splitting my pants in the process. (mental note to always wear clean underwear to the gym. Granny panties if at all possible) He finally lets me off, and I'm wheezing and sweating like an old dog.
And old dog with asthma.
An old dog with asthma and heartworms.
I'm shocked to see that I've only been pumping for 6 minutes. Holy hell, I'm in for it. This preworkout only makes my light weights seem heavier. And my abs hurt when I'm done. And the whole time, I'm afraid I'm going to fart.
It can't get any worst than this, right?

Right?





Wrong.



Coming up next: my trip to the E.R!