Me vs. a Girdle

So, Tyrese suggests that I wear a waist trimmer when I'm on the elliptical machine. (yes, I'm still pumping away on it. And "no" it hasn't gotten any easier.) Alot of the people in this gym wear neoprene shorts, waist trimmers, and full space-man-aluminum suits that encourage sweating.
And lots of it.
The waist trimmer he suggest is suppose to encourage some target sweating on my most giggly area. (such a lovely thought, huh?) I turn down his request for me to wear the neoprene shorts, but agree to the waist trimmer. I pick it up at the sports store ($22) and toss it in my gym bag.

When I dress for the gym that day, I take out the trimmer. (It looked just like this one, but without the zippers. Zippers were more expensive, so I settled for a tube of neoprene.) I'm already dressed, so I'm not sure how to get this thing on. I finally figure out that I have to take off my shoes, and step into the tube. I fight with it for a while, and get it up past my hips. I struggle some more, and get it in place, under my clothes. It's slightly holding me in, so it gives me a nice shape. Not too bad, huh? I walk out of the gym, a little bit taller.

I'm on the machine, and start pumping. A few minutes later, I'm sweating.
Like some type of barn animal.
Especially around my midsection. I start to pump more. I'm really sweating now. Now, the neoprene is resistant to liquid, right? (think of a wetsuit) So, now that I'm all liquid-y, the neoprene is no longer holding me in. Instead, its swishing around my body, floating on a sea of sweat. (eeewww.) The trimmer is going every which way now. I continue with my workout. Soon, the top of the girdle starts to slowly roll down. (Like pantyhose do. That does happen to everyone else, right? It's not just me with the pantyhose, huh?) The girdle is slipping.........and now the bottom is rolling up. So, it's slowly rolling up into a weird rubber tube around my waist. Rubbing against my irritated skin, and sloshing on a layer of sweat. I try tugging at it, but it still resist me and continues to roll up.
The force is strong in this one.
It's now taking my t-shirt with it. My shirt is caught in the roll, and I'm somewhat exposing my bare white stomach to the world. (I'm sooo sorry.) I simply cannot take it anymore so I jump off the machine and head to the locker room.
I start wrestling with this animal. Trying to pry it off me. It's hot, wet, and slippery (eewww.) I don't want it to touch my face, so I pull it downwards.
It takes my pants with it.
I'm now standing in the locker room in my underwear.
I step out of the trap, and it grabs for my shoe.
Great, now it's stuck on my shoe.
I sit down, and peel it off of me. I drop it on the ground, and start stomping on it. (in case it starts to chase me, you know?) I get dressed and leave the girdle on the floor for some lucky treasure hunter.
Of course Tyrese doesn't believe me when I tell him that I was wearing it. (He thinks I made the whole thing up. As if.) He tries to convince me to give the neoprene shorts a try.
Are you out of your mind?!?
Next, he's going to ask me to wrap myself up in cellophane and hot sauce!!




Yeah, you're right. I'd probably try it.
Once.